You start something not knowing what it will be.
You have a sense that it is something but you can't be sure. The only way to know is to do it and that is terrifying.
You try to have no expectations but that is impossible. You want so desperately for it to work and even more desperately not to fail. You want to it to be perfect – to record the experience honestly (yet beautifully) - you live in constant fear of fucking it up. You hope the data that you have is enough - that there wasn't another way – a better way it could have been collected because it is already too late now – you have created a system and you are stuck with it. You want it to be more that just about failure - but everywhere you look it's the first thing you see.
You are somewhere between the past and the future but not quite in the present – always a beat behind – a fraction off - hoping you will eventually catch up with yourself.
You are tired. You ache. You wish to god you could sleep but its only 3pm and you have another eight hours. Its hot – stifling hot – like day // like night // like purgatory. It would be all better if you slept but you are already sleeping eight hours a night ( well, maybe six – which is not less than you normally would) – yet those hours feel thinner – watered down and waking in the twilight only makes you tired again.
It's nearly 1am (on Earth) and you maybe have two more productive hours before the walls come crashing down...
And while it this really isn't news to anyone you come to realize you could never be an astronaut.
Aside from the scientific skill – the mental acuity – physical dexterity and general composure you simply don't function without sleep and coffee and light, and plants...
....TO BE CONTINUED....